5/9/2023 0 Comments Date up hookI was dating the current “love of my life”. I lived in the most beautiful city in the U.S. I had a regular Saturday morning foursome on the golf course. I started my own business and had some money in the bank. Since I observed the "rules" and followed the guidelines of gentlemanly behavior, these women considered me a “good guy,” and so it was all okay. They, as much as I, wanted this faint shadow of things that go along with marriage – without all the actual work and commitment involved. These women had careers and goals, and most were probably more self-aware than I was. That's what we did during that time and place in life. Just as I was engaging in a lifestyle of serial monogamy, so were the women I dated. There is an entire subculture based on this type of false intimacy. It might appear that I was manipulating the women I dated, but I assure you I was not. But each time, as soon as one ended I was off to the next. (One lasted two years and I almost got married!) Occasionally I'd recycle things with an old flame after a time if I wasn't finding enough new excitement on my own. It might be a few months, a few weeks, or even a few days. Invariably one of us would sober up and decide to move on. And once things get to that point, they never seem to circle back to the “getting to know you.” You're stuck with what you've got and convinced by all the dramatic, exciting things going on that it will work out. I blew right past the “getting to know you” stage into false intimacy. I blew right past the “getting to know you” stage into false intimacy.īut that's not how it was happening in my world. That's the way things are supposed to happen. It takes time and effort and – when done properly – produces lifelong intimacy on all levels that makes every other human relationship pale in comparison. You connect and commit intellectually, emotionally and spiritually – before even thinking of physical intimacy. You carefully observe: Are they neat or messy? Do they get angry quickly, or have a way of soothing others? Do they live their beliefs, or simply pay lip-service?ĭo you actually like this person? More importantly, do you respect them? You hear about their families, their careers and their childhood crushes. You get to know a person as a person – their interests, their goals, their beliefs. There is a better way for things to happen that changes the whole nature of dating from sport to relationship. It was a time-consuming game that many young adults play – and then complain they missed the boat on marriage and children. I'm trying to explain how truly unromantic and devoid of honest human feeling the entire process was for myself and others. I didn't create this narrative as some kind of how-to guide. I was a master hook-up artist and that made me feel good about myself. Within a few weeks I invariably found myself in an intimate relationship with a person I didn't even know. The first date led to second, which led to third. This approach continued with little variation in strategy or results. On the first date, I would open the doors, pick up the check, listen more than speak, be careful with alcohol (one glass of wine, no more), and have a plan for the next meeting. I’d pick her up 10 minutes late (to be sure she was ready), and head out. Two days later (not one, and not three), I’d call with a plan for a date, indicating that I’d listened to everything they shared when we’d first met.īefore the first date I'd make sure the car was clean and that I was moderately fashionably dressed – especially the shoes (women seem obsessed with shoes). I would take notes after the meetings to boost my powers of recall (it was a lot to keep straight) and appear even more sincere. The "rules" were: Use good eye contact smile pay sincere non-threatening compliments about things they choose in their appearance (shoes, a necklace, eyeglasses) ask appropriate questions and listen to the answers with interest offhandedly suggest that we meet again and most importantly, get a phone number. I met hundreds of women through work, on the street, and online dating sites – all with the objective of getting them to want to go out with me. ![]() ![]() I spent significant time diligently learning all the "rules" and applying the gentlemanly behaviors I’d been raised with. In my late-20s I figured out I was pretty good at dating.
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